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From Louis C.K. to Paula Poundstone, comedians have recently taken a liking to picking on Mommys.  Or perhaps that is too harsh an assessment.  Sorry to be so dramatic.  Let me rephrase.  From Louis C.K. to Paula Poundstone, comedians have recently taken a liking to picking on Mommys with cell phones.  

Truly, who do those Mommys think they are, texting on the park bench while their children play?  Or worse, how about those Mommys who take eighteen thousand photos (on their phone, of course) of their children playing?  Sheesh, get over it already.  Get back to texting or something.

And it seems like the comedians are right!  How dare those mothers engage in adult interaction!  How dare they check in on their husbands, wondering if they’d prefer Asian meatballs or spinach feta pie for dinner!  How dare they make playdate plans with other mommy friends, or other mommy non-friends whose kids their kids just happen to like!  How dare they verify that the babysitter can come a half hour early on Friday so that Mommy can actually shower before her ultra-part-time (2-sweet hours per week!) job!  How dare they text their own mothers asking if shit was as lonely and infuriating and messy and glorious as it was when they themselves were children!

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These Mommys are at the park, for crying out loud!  They should be monkey barring and slip sliding and sand throwing!  And if they’d rather text while their children develop independent play skills, well maybe they should just stay home!  Those kids shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house if all their negligent mothers plan on doing is taking them to a park to engage in age-appropriate relationships with their peers!  Lock those kids up inside as punishment for their Mommys’ bad behavior!  That’ll learn ‘em!

And as for you, overload Mommy picture-taker, you need to take a cold, hard look at your options:  either let your kid play or... or... stop taking pictures?  Your choices aren’t exactly clear but you’re irritating the comedians so just cut it out already.

Because just like every single member of the real workforce (as in those with real jobs, like for example people who are professional comedians) Mommys should also be expected to be fully engaged with their job duties one-hundred percent of the time without exception.  Have you ever met any employee ever who need a five- or ten-minute break from being productive, effective, and totally focused?  Right, me neither.  Just because they’re at the park doesn’t mean Mommys can take a few seconds of a mental break from livingbreathingbeing in Kid World.  That’s just lazy.  

It’s infuriating, these Mommys with cell phones!  It’s offensive!  It’s tragic!  Please, join the comedians’ cause and glare viciously at any guilty Mommy you spot!  Or better yet, join us at www.nomore... Oh, wait, just getting a text.  Gotta run.