Opening Statement: The People vs. Bruno Mars
This is case number (XXXXX)
In the name and by the authority of the state of California, the duly organized Grand Jury of Los Angeles County, California, presents the District Court of Los Angeles County, California, that in Los Angeles County, California, Bruno Mars, hereafter styled the defendant, heretofore on or about September 28, 2010, did then and there unlawfully intentionally and knowingly commit a criminal act of fraud against the people of California and FM radio listeners nationwide, hereafter called the complainants and/ or plaintiffs, by releasing the single “Grenade,” under the Atlantic/ Elektra record label under producer Khari Cain (a.k.a. “Needlz”) et al.
Bruno Mars is a fraud, and he’ll tell you himself if you just listen closely.
In the name and by the authority of the state of California, the duly organized Grand Jury of Los Angeles County, California, presents the District Court of Los Angeles County, California, that in Los Angeles County, California, Bruno Mars, hereafter styled the defendant, heretofore on or about September 28, 2010, did then and there unlawfully intentionally and knowingly commit a criminal act of fraud against the people of California and FM radio listeners nationwide, hereafter called the complainants and/ or plaintiffs, by releasing the single “Grenade,” under the Atlantic/ Elektra record label under producer Khari Cain (a.k.a. “Needlz”) et al.
Bruno Mars is a fraud, and he’ll tell you himself if you just listen closely.
One plaintiff, 16-year-old Darla Leslie, will tell you how she was on her way to a horseback riding lesson when she was exposed to “Grenade.” She will explain how her father, Stephen, had acquiesced to her request to listen to the “Top 40” station, and how rare and special this sort of acquiescence really was. It was a sunny but chilly day, she will recall, and even though the windows of her father’s green Subaru Outback were rolled down slightly, she was able to hear each and every lyric. She wasn’t listening closely, but she remembers the moment she heard it, the line about the hand. She remembers hearing the defendant say the words, “[I’d] throw my hand on a blade for ya.” Darla then looked nervously over at her father, whose hand was swollen and bandaged.
You see, Stephen had actually, physically cut his hand with his circular saw earlier that month, and the wound was still healing. Darla will recall how traumatic the original incident had been, how her father had called out desperately from his basement workshop before racing upstairs, spurting blood from his finger stumps. She will recall the hysterical phone call to 911 and the helicopter transport to the nearest orthopedic surgeon with a specialty in hand injuries. She will tell you that the doctor finally announced that he could save the fingers but that Stephen would need months of physical therapy to regain their full function and how the insurance argued that the physical therapy wasn’t part of the original, “accidental injury” and therefore would be covered at 85% instead of the more appropriate 100%. Finally, she will recall wondering out loud how this man (indicating the defendant) could allude to such a heinous injury so as only to woo a woman. Darla will explain to you how she was so upset, she asked her father to cancel her horseback riding lesson.
Another plaintiff, Angela Martinez, with a PhD in psychology, will explain her clinical opinion of the defendant’s relationship with the unnamed woman to whom “Grenade” is addressed. Angela accidentally heard the song while shopping for a birthday present at Forever 21, and was immediately suspicious of the authenticity of the emotions behind the lyrics. She will tell you how it’s the small hints that matter when scrutinizing a narrator’s psyche, such as the line that goes, “to give me all your love is all I ever asked.” She remembers saying out loud to the salesperson, “Oh, is that all? Only ALL your love?” The salesperson, according to Angela, chuckled. Angela reflected upon the song after purchasing a pair of teal skinny jeans for her niece, and will tell you that there were other lyrics that she found disturbingly fraudulent. You, too, as members of the jury may find yourself wondering why, if the mystery woman in the song had her eyes “wide open” during the first kiss, why oh why the defendant would be tempted to give her “all” his love. In addition to Angela’s testimony, you will see photographic evidence of how disturbing a re-enactment of such a kiss truly is.
You will hear from Lenny Spattle, who was working his normal shift as a mechanic at Frank’s Repair Shop when a customer drove up in his mom’s Toyota Prius, blaring “Grenade.” You will hear how Lenny made small talk with the adolescent customer before hearing the lyric that is as follows, “You smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car.” Lenny will describe the emotional damage caused by the defendant after he took it upon himself to check this particular customer’s brakes repeatedly, making sure that no crazy ex-girlfriend had tampered with them. Lenny will explain that there are a lot less dangerous ways to mess with someone’s car. And heart.
Finally, you will hear from Jesus Christ himself, resurrected for such a flagrant example of fraud, who will testify that offering to die for someone is (a) reserved for religious big wigs and (b) not the sexiest gift to offer your girlfriend.
After hearing the testimony today, all of you honorable members of the jury will undoubtedly agree that Bruno Mars does not know a damn thing about love and should stop trying to write songs about it. He is a fraud plain and simple and it is in your power to make sure that this baby-faced criminal never strikes again.
After hearing the testimony today, all of you honorable members of the jury will undoubtedly agree that Bruno Mars does not know a damn thing about love and should stop trying to write songs about it. He is a fraud plain and simple and it is in your power to make sure that this baby-faced criminal never strikes again.
